Featured E-Mail
Dear Wes,
Dear Wes, I just read the featured email, and after reading the advice that you gave to Bryan, I was hoping that you could help me out with the 'lovely' situation that I have procured for myself.
My name is Mik, I’m 21, living in Brisbane Australia with my parents. I am a fulltime student and work part time. My problem started back when I was 18. I had known for years that I was attracted to guys, but suppressed these feelings because I was afraid of the reactions from my family. After many a nights out and finding myself forming connections with guys I felt my whole life beginning to change.
After a few months on the "gay scene" life at home became quite tense. It came to a stage where my mother asked me if I was gay, and having trouble lying I said yes, I am. I lost a lot of people that I considered close friends, because they couldn't deal with having a gay friend and couldn't comprehend the meaning of a relationship between to men. My rock was my sister, who being 2 years older than me, was there for me through everything. My father had said only 2 words to me in approximately 12 months, and my mother was a wreck, crying all the time because her son was gay and what had she done to deserve this.
A turning point came just 12 months after my initial coming out. I began to question my sexuality and the pressure I was putting on myself was immense. After a month of soul-searching I came out the other side believing that I wanted to be with girls, I wanted the whole marriage thing and everything that comes with it. I told my parents about it and as you could imagine they were overjoyed to hear it. I began dating girls and although fruitless, thought I was doing well in the straight world.
I feel that I have been lying to myself for the past 2 years, and now that I know in my heart that I am a gay man, I have been a lot happier and my closest friends have noticed the difference, along with my sister and they couldn't be happier for me.
The one problem that remains is that of my parents. I don't know if I can put them through the entire situation again and although I know it would be a lot easier if I lived out of home, I cannot afford it due to studying fulltime. I want to tell them, but feel trapped due to the situation that I have found myself in. I have re-closeted myself and don't know what my parent’s reaction will be this time.
I am after a fulfilling relationship with a male, someone that I can share all the small things with, go crazy spontaneous at times and just be comfortable with. I have been through the whole gay scene, been in the trappings and whirlwind that it provides and realize that that's not me anymore. I need something fulfilling and exciting that I can call my own. I want someone to love me for me as I have a lot to give someone. I would be very appreciative if you could help me out with the situation that I have found myself in. I just feel that coming out a second time is going to be worse than the first.
Good luck with everything you want to achieve, you truly are an amazing role model for thousands of gay men out there.
Thank you
-Mik
Dear Mik,
Wow, what a heartfelt letter. It usually takes me about 2 months to get back to people on the site but my webmaster saw this and sent it through.
First of all, the most important thing to know that being gay is a wonderful thing. You have to love and respect your sexuality and lead by example. When you do that you will have nothing but love and support from people in your life. If you feel shame about your sexuality so will others around you. As gays - we can not feel shame. We've been given a gift - a different perspective on life. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Those who don't respect you when you respect yourself have no place in your life. Unfortunately, sometimes that even means people very close to you--even family.
To give you a bit of background on myself, I too had two coming outs. I came out around the age of 16. Not to my family but to my friends. The reactions I got were mixed and I don't think anyone in my upper middle class little world was ready to start dealing with sexuality – especially homosexuality. I tested my limits of what was gay / straight (mind you not physically at that point) and realized I wasn't ready and secure enough with my sexuality. I went back in the closet and actually dated girls for another 2 years. At 18, I came out once again but only to a select few. I was seeing men on the downlow and continuing to date girls publicly. As you can imagine it was tearing me apart.
It took me until the age of 20 to tell my parents who are both very conservative. When I came out I was on my own - and I was prepared for them to accept or reject me.
This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you. Before you come out to your parents, or to anyone for that matter, you have to be 100% prepared and secure in the fact that they may welcome you with open arms or they may never be able to. It is a harsh reality. As hard as it is sometimes you do have to depend on timing to know when it is right to come out.
As you've seen in other letters, building a social network / family is very important. You will need people who love and support you on this journey which ever way it goes.
Right now, it sounds like school is most important and I would focus on getting your degree. An educated gay man is a powerful gay man and will always give you options. I do not know how much time you have left living at home or how much your parents are involved in your daily life. Only you will know when the time is right to come out again to your parents.
Bottom line is, Mik, you've had an amazing journey so far and I am very proud of you for being mature enough to find your voice and to love and respect who you are. That is the first step. The rest gets easier. :)
I hope that long letter helps - and know you have a story very close to my heart. On an interesting side note, I actually used to live in Australia. I lived in Sydney when I was 23. I miss it every day and hope to get back to live someday.
Yours in struggle.
-Wes
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